Dear Pogue,

This Monday I find myself in need of help. Having been away for the best part of a month has allowed me to stand outside of my day-to-day situation. This has been enhanced by being part of an unfamiliar culture which has aided my reflections, giving a varried perspective.

Here’s my question. Is it wrong to not want to be part of other people’s situations? To say, “actually I don’t want to be involved”. Or, a little harder, “no it’s not my problem”. And this comes after, what I see as, a lifetime leaning into giving. I think I’ve become weary. It just seems that the waves never stop crashing on the beach and, cursed by guilt, I find it daunting to say “no” or walk away.

Before you make a sacrifice to help someone, ask yourself: “What if I get no gratitude in return? Or what if it doesn’t help?” If you wouldn’t regret doing it, that’s love. Everything else is guilt and obligation. Beware the difference.

Vironika Tugaleva

Today, as I sit here musing, I understand why people become reclusive. The familiar adage about just wanting a good book, a comfortable place and a long coffee, it rings so true.

So tell me from your fount of wisdom, what do I do?

I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I have often considered myself selfish because faced with the opportunity to assist another I have initially pulled back thinking “I don’t want to do this”. You remember the story Jesus told about the two sons who, asked to do something, had differing reactions. The first declined, only to later relent and submit to the request. The other, enthusiastically agreed but never actually did anything. I so identify with that first son.

What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee?

Anthony Trollop

Jesus’ point was that there are many who say “Yes” and give all the right signals but fail and there are those who turn away, only to turn back, and give the help needed. I think his point was that it was those who “turn”, and the turning is an obvious metaphor for repentance, are the one’s accepted. Combine that parable with his saying that there will be many who come declaring “Lord, lord, we did this and that, all in your name” and God replying, “I never knew you”and there is obviously much to be said for a change of heart.

I will go on extending help when the need arises, even though I will have to work through the occasional initial resistance because I can’t find the self interest that would allow me to comfortable decline. Maybe one day I’ll be able to say “No, not today” and feel no guilt, even put the request from my mind, but not today. I guess I’ll have to settle for finding comfort in the actions of that first son and Jesus’ approval of his behaviour. Could be worse.

Yours, feeling conflicted,

Wic