Dear Pogue,

Have you ever heard it said the we can lose a battle but still win the war? Indeed, some battles are just not worth the effort, believe me. And there’s the rub. It’s knowing when to fight and when to not that is the art.

And it is an art because there are plenty of people out there who do not understand that a seeming loss can actually be a win. They’ll fight every inch of ground to the point of exhaustion because of anyone of a number of things. The need to be shown to be right. Pride. Revenge. Fear of others perceiving failure or weakness. The list goes on. But at the end of the day all of these come at a price. There are times when the financial cost of a victory, or the energy required, far exceed the cost of losing or giving ground. But hey, it’s a moral victory and a point of principle. Right? Like everyone needs to see I was right and the other guy was wrong.

Winning can actually be losing if we have the ability to stand back and weigh the cost of our, often, small gain.

Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.

Max Lucado

Me, there are many occasions when, as a preference, I would actually withdraw from the conflict. In my head I am weighing out the cost and the gain, doing the math of emotions expended, energy spent, weakness perceived against what I’m conceding and it’s actual value to me. Recently I’ve been doing this calculation too often and have given ground frequently but my goal has always been the final victory which anyone of the smaller battles, that I might have chosen to fight and win, could have derailed. My goal is to win the war and it will be a huge win when the day arrives.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I just concede with a gracious “OK”. But on other times I push back, make the concession harder to gain because others need to know that I’ll fight and they may have to endure a cost if they continue. But, all I do is, in my mind, actioned to gain the final victory.

He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.

Sun Tzu

I guess I’m saying, choose your battles. Preserve your strength for the things you really care about. Don’t bother about some things. Ok, so you appear, in the eyes of others, to have lost. That’s an ego issue. Focus on the final outcome you wish to achieve. Say ‘No’ on occasions, don’t give the image of being a push over. Compromise on small things so your opponent has got something but not everything they wanted.

It’s like a game of chess. We sacrifice for a better position on the board. We trade pieces. We avoid moves that don’t seem worth it. But we have the end in sight and in life that can be financial, personal improvement or progression, or your own peace of mind and spirit which is undoubtedly the greatest victory.

Pogue, ask yourself, is this where my peace lies and follow that path.

Yours, always trying to avoid conflict,

Wic